The Art of Loving
Loving Another & Loving the Divine
White Fogbow at Main Beach_ photo by Tony Gorman
Each of us walks our own path
Recently, one morning at the end of my yoga class, my teacher read a daily meditation from Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. I listened as these words contrasted with my own essay on Romantic love and lovers being together, which I had just published hours earlier. This Beattie reading was about one’s personal journey through life and those moments when a close relationship such as a love relationship reaches a fork in the road that was being traveled on together. There are times when lovers part ways and travel forward on different roads, each seeking a different direction. There are times when friends part, classmates part, parents watch their children go off to college to begin their new lives. There are times when you journey side by side for a while, and there are times where you part to travel separate paths.
There is love in being together and love in being apart. Even a married couple, deeply in love for a lifetime will part ways at some point. (‘til death do us part). This is the nature of living as a human person, of being a separate soul. Whether together or apart, each of us travels on her own individual path.
It is this separateness which allows you to love. Generally, there can be no love, if there is not another to love, another with whom to connect. You love your community, your friend, your child, your lover. In each of these relationships, a unique bond of love energy exists.
Self-love, which is more about self-acceptance and inner peace, is distinct from the love explored here. This essay argues that true love requires another, as you cannot love yourself in that way. You can, however, love God, who loves you back with unconditional love. Love extends beyond human connection. God, the source of all love, is divine. Names like Jesus and Buddha represent this divine love embodied in human form.
Separate expressions of the same Love.
Love manifests in countless forms, yet it originates from a single source. As I've previously argued, energy is love, and everything in the universe is energy. Thus, all is love. Expanding this equation to include the divine, we find that God is love, present in every atom. We are, in essence, expressions of this cosmic love.
A paradox emerges: we are all Love, designed to love and made from the same divine source of love. We share this fundamental unity or collective identity. Yet each soul is unique and separate, and expresses love in countless ways. Each individual journey is traveled as a separate path but the desire to connect, to love another is the common thread which binds us together. Love is yearning to connect with another.
Love is a choice and practice
Love is a conscious choice. Love is not a passive state. Even in romantic love, when Cupid’s arrow strikes your heart and you feel helpless with infatuation (eros), you may be choosing to surrender to the overwhelming emotion rather than observing it, allowing yourself to fully feel it and taking your time. Sometimes what feels like love is a counterfeit emotion masquerading as love.
Counterfeit love can also be used intentionally, by a person who seeks to control another by using techniques of seduction or manipulation. Real love is a reciprocal gift, freely given and received.
While we cannot compel others to love us, we can cultivate a love that flows freely. This involves active listening, unconditional acceptance, and a willingness to see others as they are. Loving is a skill which requires practice, is a choice made moment by moment. Also, love coexists with other emotions including anger. At times anger is appropriate. Yet, love is not expressed through control or aggression. True love liberates, not confines. True love is gentle, patient and kind.
Love in Every Moment
Throughout the day, check in with yourself to determine if you are engaged in an internal narrative taking place within your mind, or are you consciously aware of the external world outside your mind. What do you see? Hear? Right now. As you observe and accept this moment with gratitude and appreciation, you flow love. It could be cold and rainy or hot and sunny. Doesn’t matter. This is what’s happening. You can’t control the external world or other people. But you can choose gratitude and acceptance regardless of circumstances. You can always choose love. When I meet a friend and she begins to complain even a little bit, I might choose to listen passively or I might ask her, “ But what are you grateful for?” This question often triggers a major shift in perception.
Give others the gift of your attention. Listen to them. Don’t judge, just listen. Listen to a young child talk and engage your awareness with the child’s imagination. See what the child sees. That takes patience and empathy. That’s love.
Be kind and respectful. Don’t offer advice when you are not asked. Your disciplined restraint is an act of love and consideration for others needs and feelings. Many times people complain because they need the emotional release. They don’t want advice on how to fix it or solutions. They are seeking love not counsel.
At other times, you will hear your own inner voice urging you to speak up and speak your truth, when your clear and authentic voice and your words is what is needed by the other. It is appropriate for the situation. Knowing what and when to speak is another skill you practice. You learn through awareness when it is time to speak and when to refrain.
I love you and you love me back
Love is a choice, not a guarantee. While the ideal is: loving another who loves you back, expecting love in return can hinder genuine connection. Unrequited love, often rooted in insecurity or obsession is at best, one directional unachieved love. At worst, it is insecure neediness, thinking that this other is necessary for one’s own happiness. True love thrives in a space of self-sufficiency, in which you are independent, secure and at peace with your own self, your own life. True love thrives where connection is valued but not demanded. Whether in friendship, family, or romantic partnership, love is a dynamic energy shared between two souls. I love you and you love me back.
The many ways to Love and express the divine
The language of love is diverse. Some may find religious terminology off-putting and find terms like "God", "Jesus" or “Divinity” exclusionary. Love transcends labels and names. Exploring love's multifaceted nature is at the heart of these essays. My writing is a journey of self-discovery, revealing my evolving philosophy of love. My spiritual path has varied, from devout Christianity to atheism, and now to a place of reverence and loving God without dogma. I cherish the freedom to connect with the divine in my own way and still respect the beliefs of others.
I will use my Mother as an example of the many ways to love.
During my 30s, when I was active in the church, I introduced the practice of prayer by saying grace before dinner when dining with my Mother. She went along with it because she loved me. One day she finally asked me, “Kevin, who is this Jesus Christ?” At the time, my mother was still listed as an active member of the Congregational Church where she had attended Sunday school as a girl. My mother had made Sunday school attendance mandatory for me at that same church. Yet she really did not have a clue as to what I was talking about. She told me that I should have been a priest. She had zero interest in this subject for herself, but she patiently listened to me because she loved me.
My mother loved art since she was a teenage girl. She was born to be an artist and art was her calling and passion. Her paintings of people, landscapes, and seascapes are excellent. She painted what she loved and paid me 25 cents an hour to pose for her when I was a kid. She even did a sculpture of my head which required an extremely high level of artistic skill, but this little head she carved and cast is perfect. This is me at about age 12.
To my mother, love was art. Art was how she expressed love. She was uninterested in concepts such as God or divinity, but I can see the divine source of love active in her work.
And everyone I know in this community who knew my mother, loved her. My mother, was a fun, loving and independent woman. People still talk to me about her now, 10 years after her death. That love which my mother shared and flowed is still alive now.
Love is real and expressed everywhere in various ways. Some people experience love or God through art, or nature. There are many ways to experience the awe and passion of divinity in life, and never even think the word religion or God. Each of us is an individual and each expression of love is unique.
This memory of my mother is but one example of the multifaceted nature of love. Love exists in the shared moments, in the silent understanding, and in the creative spirit. Love is a universal language spoken in different dialects.
Yet all these individual expressions are derived from the divine source of Love.
The body is temporal and impermanent.
But Love is eternal and cannot die. Love is forever.
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Acknowledgement:
A special thank you to my coach, Laura Turiano, who teaches me and encourages me with patience and love through her professional coaching service (see link below). Laura’s influence shows up in much of my writing and I am grateful to her.